Life of a mother, an aspirant, a dreamer…it’s complicated!

One fine morning, while working at my desk at office, I started crying. “why am I doing this?” I asked myself. “why am I putting myself under this much grief and guilt?”. “Because you are doing a great job and have a bright career ahead. You are earning a hefty amount of money to support your present and secure a future”

Yes, that was true. I loved my job and I was also making headway in my career. It had been five and a half years I was happily doing my job and earned much recognition in the industry I worked in. I had a perky future and was inching towards my goal steadily.

Then a miracle happened. I had my first child, a boy, the star of my eyes, the angel of my life, Munzir! The moment I held him in my arms, I knew that it’s only him I wanted. He was perfect with his tiny little fingers which held my fingers tightly, his bright shiny eyes with which he saw me for the first time, his tiny feet, his baby smell which I still remember.

I was enjoying and also struggling with this new role called motherhood while I was in my maternity leave. During this period, every night I used to think, few more days left till I join work. How will I leave my baby and be absent for that long? After I had him, I have known no other feeling other than craving to be with him all the time. It cringed my heart every time when the thought of leaving him and going to work crossed my mind.

But what was my choice? Wasn’t it the obvious thing that I had to do. I solaced myself by thinking that I am going to be fine. Thousands of working mothers are successfully balancing their career and motherhood. I will be fine. It might take some time but end of the day, it was about my career. The hard work, dedication and passion I had put into my work had given me the position I was in. I couldn’t think of leaving that world and not doing what I was doing. Little did I know that I was going to hit a rock and my thinking was about to change radically within the next few months.

Finally, the day came. I was getting ready to go to my office after my maternity leave. Tears filled my eyes. My heart felt heavier than the earth. I kissed goodbye to my baby boy, who smiled at me, clueless about the feelings of his mother. I couldn’t bear the situation anymore and rushed out of my house. After I reached office my colleagues greeted me cordially and I was bombarded with thousands of questions about Munzir. There was not much work to do at the first day after this long break. Everyone understood my situation and gave me enough time and support to adjust. Days went by, but I didn’t find peace. I felt that I was missing hundreds of smiles of that cute chubby face, what if he says his first word and I am not there? What if he needs me or he searches for me? He would not be able to tell. Those postpartum evil hormones were also doing their job quite well. An aura of melancholy surrounded me and I was on the verge of depression. I felt miserable which was starting to affect my personal life and work.

I couldn’t endure this smothering feeling anymore. It was time to take a decision. I summoned my parents and my husband and talked them through my state of mind. I said to them that I cannot concentrate on my work and I am constantly feeling unhappy. Should I quit my job? They listened attentively. As I had expected from them, they were very much sympathetic and told me that they are with me whatever my decision is. But the decision should be solely mine.

Finally, I took my decision. I decided to take few days break from work and concentrate fully on my baby, spend time with him in those precious period of his life when he needed me the most. After I made up my mind, my soul felt free. It felt like a heavy burden had been lifted from my chest. But I made a promise to myself that as soon as I think the time is right, I will pursue my career again.

While parenting Munzir, I discovered that I was fascinated by the world of children. I spent a lot of time studying the articles and watching videos related to child psychology, their developmental milestones, baby foods, growth spurts, any random topic like these. I realized that I want to associate myself with activities that will involve children, their development. when Munzir turned two, I started thinking of joining work again. But still couldn’t make up my mind as to if I should join my previous job. As much as I loved my job, I couldn’t ignore the fact that how much stressful and time consuming the nature of my work was. Also as I mentioned earlier, I wanted to do something related to child development.

There comes another group of people, who are probably the most influential people in my life, my friends. We are a group of people who have been sharing our lives with each other since our university days and the bond keeps getting stronger day by day Masha Allah. We always used to discuss that we should do something together. Let me tell you here that “something” meant doing some work together. So one day I spoke to the friend couple of mine about my willingness to start that “something” without any clue whatsoever that what will that thing be. Here comes my another friend who was then residing in Japan, with an idea of a children’s storybook. We started working towards it, hatched a plan about our first project, divided the responsibilities and gradually began to work towards it.

Now, our first project will in Sha Allah be released before Ramadan. It is a storybook app called “Stories of light”. A compilation of twelve inspiring stories from the glorious past of Islam. We have consciously made an effort to give secular messages of tolerance, peace and harmony through these stories. We have made this app with a noble intention of nurturing good values among the children while telling them the motivating stories from the olden times. I am eagerly waiting for its release with the hope that the audience will like it and it will have a positive impact on the children. Looking back, I can see that how the plan of Allah falls into place, as in what I really wanted to do is exactly what I am doing now- writing and publishing stories for children. How merciful and kind Allah has been towards me. I wish for his approval and guidance in every step I take in future.

This is me signing out. Good luck and best wishes.

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